Look at the stars; look how they shine for you.

I hate how my horoscopes are so tailored to the characteristics of the sign. Everyday they mail them to me, and everyday they say the same thing, and everyday they make me hate myself.

Hey Virgo, stop nitpicking. Hey Virgo, nobody's perfect. Hey Virgo, quit being a raging asshole. Hey it's almost your birthday. In honor of that, cease organizing your sock drawer for just 5 seconds you obsessive compulsive, anal retentive, socially retarded Virgo. (I personally avoid socks at all costs. The ones I have are buried under a pile of crap on my floor and I would never consider placing them in a drawer even if I could somehow locate them).

Remember Virgo, you're the biggest prick of all the signs and we're going to make that glaringly obvious to you until you die.

Damn. Which signs are getting all the love?