There is no Colleen.

I'd say the worst part of the horrific drunken rampage in which I fell off the bed that IT Guy refused to have sex with me on because I was "way too wasted" (according to a later text message) was probably the fact that my house was such a mess when he was in it. NO ONE IS EVER IN MY HOUSE. And when someone finally is, there's hamster crap everywhere and Sunkist bottles in the bathtub and a sink full of shot glasses. I couldn't believe it when I woke up. Obviously I had not planned for him to be there. I don't even know how he got here, to be honest. I just have a vague memory of it playing out like the Zuul scene in Ghostbusters.

This is the post-apocalyptic shopping list I took with my violently hungover and still partially drunk ass to the store the next morning and accidentally handed to the clerk as he was ringing up my "self-respect."