Dear Craigslist.

I seriously cannot handle this spider shit anymore. Me and a fucking tarantula just had a 2-hour standoff. He's now under a margarita glass and the heaviest Sylvia Browne book I could find and he's going to stay there until he dies, because we're not having any further contact.

I am at my wit's end. If you are male and within 10 miles of me or so, you can be my boyfriend. You deal with the spiders and I'll do whatever it is girlfriends do - breakfast, anal, whatever.