Help Wanted.

Every time I get on AIM, I have about a dozen new buddies. They're all obnoxious bots, but I don't know that when I'm ragingly drunk. So I'm squinting at it, racking my brain trying to figure out which long lost internet boyfriend it is that I've since entered into a cold war with.

Colleen: I STILL LOVE YOU
USA TODAY: Welcome to USA TODAY on AIM!
Colleen: LETS MAKE IT WORK
USA TODAY: Select an option:
1. My USA TODAY News Alerts
2. Top News Headlines
3. Search Top News
4. Help

Then I hit my head on the monitor and pass out. I think "4" would've been the way to go.